O.G.: The Ultimate Pickup Artist

All right. Despite my lack of hair and a nose and matching eyes and partially exposed skull and generally skeletal appearance overall, apparently I have a certain je ne sais quoi when it comes to the ladies. This has been statistically proven by several polls taken around the world (which either means I've got a certain somethin' somethin' or there is an alarmingly large number of necrophiliacs out there).

Due to that reputation, I've been receiving several letters from men asking me for advice on how to get the young lady of their dreams. To placate my psychiatrist, I'm compelled to be helpful to these no-game losers at love by occasionally providing lessons on what I've learned here (that's OCCASIONALLY. Don't expect me to be too generous with my advice). Now without further ado, let's begin.

Lesson #1: Establish an avatar.

Don't be yourself. There's a reason why you're forty years old and still living with your parents. No, you must be the person you aspire to be: someone with confidence, poise, and élan. Someone who exudes authority and commands respect. Someone not you, basically.

So how do you be someone you're not? You create a new persona, or avatar. Act like you have the qualities you want and soon you'll convince yourself and others that you do. But an avatar is not only the attitude and personality you project, but physically, it involves wearing one or more accessories that draw attention to you. Anything will do: a particularly unique pendant, uncomfortably tight trousers, an intriguingly stylish mask, etc. The objective is to enhance yourself. Bald? Wear a wig. Short? Wear lifts (hey, it works for Prince. That midget gets all kinds of tail). Once you have your attitude and physical look ready, come up with a new name for yourself. Something like "Magnum," "Eros" or "Vigorous." That way the fragile ego of the *real* you is protected and you can claim anonymity when women shoot you down and then run home to blog about you on the internets.

The avatar goes hand-in-hand with "peacocking": parading around in whatever get-up you've chosen for the purpose of drawing the attention of women (but hopefully not the "pointing and laughing" sort of attention), but more on that later. Oh, and bonus points if you already know what sort of persona the object of your desire… desires. If it isn't a stretch for your personality, go ahead and mold yourself towards that avatar and you'll be a step ahead of the game.

So messieurs, go through your closets or head down to the department store and make yourselves over. Once you feel you have your avatar down, send me a picture or video of yourself and I'll use it to blackmail you later grade you on your approach.

Thus endeth the lesson.

Your obedient friend,
O.G. (aka The Angel of Music)